


monster

by kireinayuta



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Anger Management, Childhood Trauma, Developing Relationship, Everyone Loves Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee Are Best Friends, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Nicknames, Unresolved Tension, and something More, but it didn’t happen, mark calls haechan sun and baby, resolved tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:29:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23355454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kireinayuta/pseuds/kireinayuta
Summary: He didn’t create what’s inside of him. But that didn’t mean that living with the monster was easy.
Relationships: Kinda - Relationship, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 2
Kudos: 168





	monster

Donghyuck takes a breath. 

He hates it here. 

He hates being blamed, he hates having unrealistic expectations put on him. He hates how they think he can be any different from them, when all he's known is them. 

He hates how he's subconsciously picked up on everything he swore he didn't want to be. He hates how he's also turned into a monster. 

He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to be anything like them. Controlling, narrow minded, stubborn and unreasonable. 

But as he's staring at the mess in front of him, he knows it's too late. 

He's already like them. 

And it's been years since he's spent a full week with them, even a full day, but it's still there. Tucked into the depths of his persona, buried deep under everything he tried to hide for the past eight years. 

It's all here, laid out open in front of him. Everything he didn't want to come out; everything he tried to keep away. 

Blown onto his family. His actual family. The people he cherishes the most in the world. And they, so unfairly, had to deal with what Donghyuck has been trying to suppress since he's step foot into his building. 

And he can feel their tendencies crawl on the skin of his neck, can feel the anger inside him boiling despite already snapping, can feel the hatred for himself consuming his entire being. 

And he hates it. 

But more important, for the moment, he hates it here. 

Right here, being stared at and being on the receiving end of everyone's glares, of everyone's harsh eyes and of everyone's negative thoughts. 

He knows he's in the wrong. 

But it's not him who made this mess. 

It's them.

And no matter how hard he tries, he can never fully escape them. 

But for now, he can escape his real family. He can escape the people who are around him now, who are judging his every move, and everything which happened in the last ten minutes. 

So he does. He leaves. He does what he's watched his own parents do countless times, and belatedly realizes that he really is no better than them. 

He's just a shadow. A shadow of who they are, a mixture of the two worst people he's ever known. He's a force to be reckoned with, and he hates the fact that he's not even in control of how he acts. 

He's no better than the people he calls monsters. He's no better than the people who plague his nightmares. He's no better than the people he promised he would never become, would never learn anything from, would never aspire to be. 

He's no better because that's who he became. 

Someone terrible.

—— 

Donghyuck finds himself on the rooftop of their building. 

The last time he was here was four years ago; when he was about to debut for the first time. He didn't have a reason to be back, he never wanted a reason to come back. 

The rooftop is meant to scare him. It's meant to smack some reality into him and tell him that's this isn't how things should end. That there's more to what's happening right now, that it can, and will, always get better. That's what he's trained his brain to think every time he sets foot onto the rooftop. 

But right now, standing near the edge and looking straight down at the ground, he doesn't know if it can get any better than this. He doesn't know if things can go up from here.

If he lost his family, his real family, the ones who he's with twenty four-seven, then it's not worth it. There's nothing anymore. 

He's a shell of who he wants to be, who the internet sees him as. He's the hallow version of the person he dreams about, of the confident and bubbly boy who's only wish in life is to bring people happiness. 

Instead, he's the reincarnation of two devils. Of two people who don't see the best in the world, of two people who didn't have the right hearts to raise children. 

And he, the eldest, is stuck with all their mistakes. With all the black in their hearts and all the nasty things they threw at him. Two people have destroyed him. Have fed him the wrong information, have taught him the wrong morals. Have behaved in such a way around him, that right now, at the ripe age of 19, it's all he knows. 

All he knows is to get angry. All he knows is to insult someone. All he knows is to break someone down because he can't deal with his own problems. All he knows is to destroy the love he's being given. All he knows is to ruin everything good in his life. 

So he seriously debates if it's worth it. If it's worth ever going back down those stairs and onto the ninth floor, and into the dorm. He debates if he has anything to lose if he were to take the extra step and plummet onto the concrete. 

Seriously debates if it's worth hurting the people he loves more than himself. 

Seriously debates if it's worth hating himself every waking minute of the day.

Seriously debates if he has the right to do anything but take the step. 

This is his family. The people he holds closest to his heart. Hurting them puts him in inexplainable pain. And it's his fault they're in pain. At the end of the day; it's always him that sets it off. He's the one who creates the mess, he's the one with the problem. 

He is the problem.

But all problems can be fixed. 

And Donghyuck wants to know if fixing the problem means getting rid of it all together, or going back downstairs and seeing where it goes from there. 

The rooftop is meant to scare Donghyuck. It's meant to remind him of what's at stake. To remind him that there's a reality behind all his thoughts. 

Donghyuck doesn't know if he's thankful or not that the rooftop did its job. 

——

To Donghyuck, ignorance is bliss. 

Ignoring the pain bubbling in his chest, ignoring the anger he feels at the slightest inconvenience, ignoring the cold shoulder he's receiving from the people he loves most. 

Because he knows he deserves it. He did something unacceptable and then stormed out. Refused to apologize or even say anything, going back to pretending like everything was normal. 

But it's not normal. And that's the problem.

Donghyuck can't pretend like it's normal when it's not, can't go forward without addressing the problem. Without talking it through, without apologizing. 

But he can hope. 

He can hope that they brush past it, despite knowing very well that they won't. He can hope they forgive him, despite already knowing the answer. 

He can hope for a lot. 

But he can't hope for himself to go away. For the problem to go away. 

So he pretends like it never happened, that he never said what he said, that he never broke what he broke, and that he never faltered from the person he's wanted to be all along. 

That's all his hyungs know. His hyungs only know him as the boy who's bubbly and who smiles, who's voice is high pitched and who's laughter lifts their spirits. They don't know what they saw that night; it was foreign, and dare they say, unwelcome. His hyungs only know him as who he wants to be. Not the monster beneath all of that. Not the creature created from years and years of toxicity, of the most unhealthy environment he's ever been in. 

They know his persona. They don't know him.

Him; all the ugly beneath all the gold. Him; all the anger beneath all the laughter. Him; all the frustration beneath all the smiles. 

He isn't proud of who he has inside of him. But he can't do anything about it anymore. 

He can hope to change the monster that's made home inside of his mind, heart, and soul, but he can't actually change it. 

It's imprinted in him; scalded into his entire being. 

It's who he is. 

It's who the real Donghyuck is. 

"Park Jisung, I really will kill you!"

Donghyuck is currently chasing Jisung down a hallway, the taller boy having stolen his Nintendo from him. And Donghyuck's Nintendo means a lot to him. 

Jisung heads up a flight of stairs, and Donghyuck curses the younger in his head. He's not as young as Jisung, not as lanky, so he's at a serious disadvantage with the other sprinting up the stairs two steps at a time. 

Nonetheless, it's his Nintendo they're talking about, so he ignores the way his thighs are already aching, and bolts up to stairs to where he might have to tackle Jisung before getting his device back. 

Without noticing it, or maybe he simply chose to ignore it, Donghyuck runs past Doyoung, who's in the midst of unlocking the door to their dorm. 

Despite everything that's been going on between them and the dorm, with all the tension and all the silence, all the words remaining unspoken between them, Doyoung would be lying if he said he didn't miss the sound of Donghyuck's voice. Even if it is yelling at Jisung, threatening to tell Jaemin about this whole ordeal and how Jaemin won't cook for him for the next few days if he found out how much of a brat he's being. 

Doyoung is mad at Donghyuck, sure, he has a right to be and he knows that. But that doesn't mean he misses Donghyuck's laugh. His voice. His smile and the way he coddles all of them. He misses their maknae and he hates the silence enveloping their dorm. 

So he pushes open the door and immediately sets his things down, collecting everyone into the living room to have a talk.

"Are we gonna ignore the elephant in the room?" Doyoung sighs, hands on his hips as he surveys everyone's faces. 

"Where's Donghyuck?" Johnny asks, looking around, as if just now noticing that the youngest wasn't around. Normally that wouldn't be a problem; Donghyuck was always extremely loud. But now with the way that Donghyuck has been keeping quiet for the last week or so, his presence goes by unnoticed. 

And for some reason, despite their warranted emotions, the internal revelation makes guilt bloom in all of their chests.

Donghyuck had practically grown up with them. Had been through the highest highs of his life with them, has been through the lowest lows with them. He's breathed the same air as them in their worst situations, has ate the same food as them in their best scenarios. Donghyuck has a bit of everyone in him, has a little bit of their personality speckled into his own. 

But what happened that night, it definitely didn't come from any of them. 

It's deeper than what any of them are thinking, and Doyoung thinks that's the part that's scaring everyone. 

"He's with Jisung somewhere." Doyoung finally answers to Johnny's question. 

"We can't dismiss him," Yuta announces, face firm as he speaks with conviction. "I don't want to dismiss him. He shouldn't have done what he did." 

"We're not going to," Taeyong sighs. "He knows he did something wrong too. You all know that." Taeyong continues, locking eyes with each member, his own way of confirming that they did all know that. "He's quiet. He's only quiet when he's guilty." 

"Is it bad if I say he should feel guilty?" Jungwoo asks softly, scared of what the reaction to his question may be. "I love him, I really do. Haechannie is our sunshine. But... What he did..." Jungwoo trails off, shrugging his shoulders a bit. The members could tell he feels a bit remorseful saying those words, by the expression on his face. 

"It's been over a week. I don't think he should still feel guilty. The first few days, fine, and I know guilt never really goes away... But at least now he should be ready to talk?" Mark tries, expressing what his thoughts on the whole situation are. "I've never seen him like this." He admits, frown deeply etching itself onto his face. 

The members know that Mark and Donghyuck are best friends, that they're relationship runs deeper than Donghyuck's relationship with any of them. It's the age thing, as well as their personalities simply being so compatible. 

Despite Donghyuck's actions that night having been sprout from an argument with Mark, the latter still finds it odd that Donghyuck had reacted the way he did. They've had arguments before, multiple at that, and many of them have been worse than what this one was about. The reaction, however... That's what seemed off to Mark. 

He's known Donghyuck for practically half his life at this point, and he knows him like the back of his hand. He also know his story, and his life before becoming a trainee and idol. He doesn't know how many of the hyungs or how many other members know about Donghyuck's life before NCT, but Mark knows for sure that he has the full story. That's also probably another factor as towards why Donghyuck had gotten so emotional during their argument, seeing as he was fighting with Mark. Mark hates it when they fight, so he could only imagine it hurts Donghyuck just as much. 

Which is why, right now as Taeil and Yuta are talking about how to address the situation, if all comes together in Mark's brian. 

The pieces fit together like a puzzle, and the questions he's left unanswered for the past week and a half finally have a conclusion.

"It wasn't Donghyuck." He finds himself saying out loud, as it clicks into place in his brain. His eyes widen at the revelation, as if he had an epiphany. And if Mark were being honest, he did. He quickly looks to his members. "It wasn't Donghyuck who snapped." 

The members cast looks at each other, clearly not understanding what Mark was talking about. Nonetheless, they keep quiet and let Mark continue. 

"He—He has this— This thing." Mark says, standing up and in front of all his hyungs. He uses his hands to gesture, as if that'd help the others understand better. "Something inside of him. But it's not him. It comes from..." Mark hesitates, not knowing if he was saying too much. This is Donghyuck's story, and if he didn't tell any of the hyungs, then it isn't Mark's place to either. He chooses his next words carefully. He sighs. "His parents. He didn't... He didn't grow up nice, okay?" Mark frowns, frustrated with how he couldn't get the right words out of his mouth. 

It's more than just Donghyuck not growing up nice. It's the trauma, the turmoil, the internalized fear of letting emotions show, the anger management issues, the somewhat fragile masculinity. It's everything he knows Donghyuck doesn't want to be. 

It's everything Mark can't say, while also being everything he needs his hyungs to understand. It's deeper than the surface, but the surface is all Mark can give them right now. 

"So it's... Trauma?" Johnny tries.

"Something like that. It's just the after effects of the environment you grow up in— But Donghyuck knows, okay?" Suddenly, Mark's tone is firmer than previous, and his voice is serious as he speaks. His eyes are also steely, as if daring any of the members to go against his words. "Don't think for a second he doesn't know how shitty it is. He knows. But it's already deeply rooted in him. And he doesn't know how to make it go away." 

Silence falls over everyone in the living room, each member digesting and processing the information. It's a bit hard to wrap their minds around, but Jaehyun is the first one to speak.

"He always said his family was nice... He says he misses them sometimes too." He points out, in no way accusing, but more so confused. 

Mark is quick to reply, just a bit more irked by the question than he needed to be. 

"I don't think he's necessarily proud of his upbringing, hyung." Mark says, harsher than he meant to. The members somewhat understand though, Donghyuck is precious to Mark, and the latter would, even if he won't admit it, go to the ends of the Earth to protect and defend him. 

"Right," Taeyong says slowly, trying to ease the obvious tension that's risen in the air. "Thank you Mark. Now we know it's deeper than just some stress." 

Mark nods, stiff with the way he moves, trying to recollect his thoughts and emotions. Mark never liked it when Donghyuck talked about his home situation, always found it infuriating and always felt the anger course through his viens. And he still does. But now, more than ever, knowing that that was what had caused him to snap and escalate the argument to a level it didn't need to reach, he feels his blood boiling. 

Mark just wants to give Donghyuck a hug. He wants to tell Donghyuck that it's okay, that he forgives him. Despite what his hyungs might think, Mark already forgave Donghyuck a long time ago. Even before knowing the true reason behind his outbursts, Mark has always been weak for Donghyuck. His soulmate, isn't he? He couldn't stay mad at Donghyuck for long, it physically started to hurt him after a while. 

But Donghyuck still feels guilty. Donghyuck might not want to see him, might not want to remember everything. Maybe he's trying to brush over the whole ordeal, and even though Mark knows they're going to have to talk about it at one point, as a group or as best friends, but maybe he'd let Donghyuck come to them (him) first. 

When keys jangle by the door, everyone is suddenly on edge, the atmosphere going back to what it was before, despite Taeyong's efforts. 

"That's the last time Park Jisung! I'll do more than tell Jaemin next time!"

Donghyuck's voice rings through their dorm, and just like Doyoung, everyone relishes in the bright voice of their maknae. 

Donghyuck walks past the living room, freezing when he feels the gaze of so many eyes on him. 

He didn't know they'd still be here. He thought they left for the music show already. 

Slowly, he turns around, locking gazes with each one of them before clearing his throat. But, he doesn't say anything. 

Instead, the hyungs see all remnants of emotions leave Donghyuck's face, see as his eyes lose whatever sparkle they had when he was with Jisung, and watch as he goes farther into the dorm, away from them, once again. 

Mark decides that it's enough.

And he doesn't know if he's crossing a line; the line between respect and interference, the line between concern and intrusion, the line between friends and... Something more. All he knows is that when Donghyuck lost everything happy on his face in a matter of seconds after seeing all their faces, his heart broke. 

So he goes after him, ignoring the hurried whispers of his hyungs telling him not to. 

He knows Donghyuck better than them. He knows that Donghyuck is beating himself up harder every second he spends alone, and he thinks he's going to lose his mind if he has to go another day, another hour, another minute knowing that Donghyuck is blaming himself for everything that happened. 

No matter what his hyungs see, no matter what Donghyuck sees, no matter what anyone sees, Mark knows it isn't Donghyuck's fault. 

It's not his fault. 

So he pushes his foot to stop the door from closing completely, knowing Donghyuck will lock it once it does. He forces himself through the door despite Donghyuck trying to close the door on him, knowing Donghyuck needs a human presence right now. And he engulfs Donghyuck in a hug, ignoring the way the younger wouldn't even look at him, knowing Donghyuck is going mad over the cold shoulders they've all been giving him.

But now Mark knows.

And he doesn't know if he's doing too much, if he's really done it this time, but holding Donghyuck in his arms after not being able to for the past week and half just feels right. It feels like it used to be, and Mark, honest to God, almost starts sobbing right then and there. He missed Donghyuck, as pathetic as that sounds given that they live together and see each other every day, but he missed being able to hold him. To be this close to him. To be able to smell his lavender body wash. 

"My sun," Mark whispers, clutching onto Donghyuck tighter than he'd like to, calling him the name he knows the younger adores. "I miss you." 

Donghyuck doesn't say anything, but by the way his arms slowly come up to hold Mark too, the latter knows that his sincere words have gotten past whatever front he's been putting up around the others. 

"I miss you too." Donghyuck finally admits, after minutes, which feel like days for Mark, pass by. Mark can literally feel Donghyuck melt into his arms, and that only makes him hold onto the younger tighter. And maybe it makes his heart beat faster, but that wasn't the concern right now.

"Then come back." Mark says, equally as gentle as everything else he's said so far. "They miss you too."

At that, Donghyuck seems to tense a little bit, Mark feels the ever so slight action, and he's quick to assure Donghyuck with words he hopes get to the younger's heart. 

"Donghyuckie, I know it wasn't you. I know that, okay baby? You don't have to tell me, I know. And they know too. Hyungs know it wasn't you. It's okay, they're not mad, sunshine. They're not mad." Mark coos, trying his very best to ease at the insecurities prodding at Donghyuck's heart. He knows he can't fix the main root of the problem now with his words, but they'll have to do for now, to clear and ease the surface. 

"You told them?" Donghyuck asks, frantic if the way he tries to escape Mark's hold is anything to go by. 

Despite not wanting to, Mark let's Donghyuck go, watches as the younger stares at him with wide eyes, almost as if he were betrayed. 

"I didn't say any details," Mark assures, tone bordering on being a plea. "But just enough so that they knew it wasn't you. It's not fair to you if they didn't know. You don't deserve that."

Donghyuck stays silent, only nods at what Mark says. He understands, and that's all Mark can ask for right now. 

"I'm sorry." Donghyuck says, stepping back into Mark's space, winding his arms around Mark's waist again. "I'm so sorry, Mark hyung." He tucks his head in Mark's shoulder, and the latter brings his hands up to rub his back in comfort. 

"I know you are. I'm sorry too." Mark apologizes. "I know it wasn't you. It wasn't my sun, it wasn't my baby. It wasn't my Donghyuck. I know that, okay? I'm not mad. It wasn't who you are." 

Mark knows that he can't dismiss every time Donghyuck snaps like this with the excuse of knowing that it wasn't him, wasn't who he wanted to be. But just this once, he'll let Donghyuck know that it's okay. He won't hold the impending conversation that has to happen between all of the group members over his head, he'll let Donghyuck breathe comfortably for the first time since the explosive fight. 

But later. 

Later is when he'll hold Donghyuck's hand and guide him through the difficult conversation that needs to happen. 

——

Later comes sooner than expected, unfortunately for Donghyuck. 

He's been leeching onto to Mark for the past couple of days, and where it wouldn't be anything new, it is when he's also oh so obviously still swaying away from the other members. 

The tension just keeps rising whenever the group is together, and Donghyuck feels the need to address this whole situation crawl up his throat. He wants to spit it out, wants to set it down clear and straight, now that he's had the time to think about it. Wants to let them know how sorry he is, wants to let them know hurting them kills him. Wants to let them know that they're the only ones he has left now, and that if it were up to him and not the monster that lives inside of him, he'd never do anything but love each and every one of them. 

But it's hard to gather them all together. Especially when he's terrified of their responses to him. 

He knows that ever since Mark told him that they know that there's more to it than Donghyuck just throwing a fit, that they've stopped with the glares and scoffs, but he still feels the shame crawl along his skin.

He made them angry, at one point. He was the cause of the ugliest feeling. And that doesn't settle right with him, no matter how many times he tells himself, how many times Mark tells him, that it wasn't his fault. 

But it's also how he finds himself standing in front of one of his most trusted hyungs, the one he feels the most terrible about angering. 

He pulls on the other's sleeve, and Taeil's eyes soften at the action. He hates how Donghyuck feels cautious around him, feels shy around him when he's never anything of the sorts. But he guesses he did play a part in making him feel that way.

"You wanna talk, Channie?" Taeil asks softly, and when he earns a nod from Donghyuck, he feels his heart lighten slightly. At least now he knows that they're one step closer to going back to how they were. 

So Taeil does the hard work of gathering everyone into the living room, asks them to shut up and listen to what Donghyuck as to say. 

Mark brings Donghyuck in once everyone had gathered, and just like he promised, he holds Donghyuck's hand through the whole thing. Gives him squeezes when it gets to the hard parts. Fills in the gaps Donghyuck forgets to mention because of his haste and emotions. 

He might've been confident before going into this, wanting to establish everything and finish it all once and for all, but he couldn't stick to that. How could he, when this was his most vulnerable form? When this was the real Lee Donghyuck, the real boy these men grew up with and took care of. 

But with the look of warmth, with the promise of a better future and with the gentle touches to ease his heart, Donghyuck knows there was nothing to be afraid of. 

Being honest with his hyungs, telling them the truth and letting them help him grow and conform as an adult— 

To let them help him be who he's always wanted to be,

Donghyuck couldn't be more grateful.


End file.
